God on Trial (Part II)

Perhaps I'm jumped too far ahead in my first argument, lets go back, way back, back to the beginning.

To be fair, creating the world in 6 days was a pretty nice thing for God to do, had he left it at that, we'd not be having this conversation. But no, he had to go and commit dick move numero uno. The Fall of Man. Or the Fall of People, if you don't want to be sexist.

So God created man in his own image (which kinda raises the question, is God's penis circumcised?) and God knew your heart before you were ever born. God gave Adam free will, then he gave him a woman. But he couldn't stop there, no... he had to play a little game with them. Look, call it what you want, but putting a 'tree of knowledge' in the middle of the garden of eden and then saying, "You guys can do anything at all in this paradise! You can fuck each others brains out! You can eat anything in here, even the trippy mushrooms! Its all good!"

"BUT Don't touch my forbidden fruit. No, don't touch it, the candy coated, delicious fruit that will blow your mind, right over here. Because if you did that, I'd be MAD. The most wonderful fruit I ever made, if I say so myself, but you can't have any. But you can have everything else! So go frolick!"

Right. Thats like me setting a 6 pack of beer in a room full of teenagers. If I did that, who would they put in jail? Thats right, ME, for being the asshole who -tempted- the innocent kids into doing something they shouldn't do.

So God made us. He made us curious. He made us willful. Then he puts us in that situation knowing damn well the first thing ... well ok the second thing after they figure out sex for a while is going to be 'experimenting' with that fruit. Believe me, there didn't need to be some weird snakey guy like Michaelangelo up there drew. They would have gone there all on their own. God knew this. He had to know this, he's omniscient.

So why did he put them in that situation to begin with? So he could be a DICK. So they eat the fruit and God gets all pissed. Super pissed. Throws them out of the garden. Throws ALL OF US out of the garden even the ones that had nothing to do with it. Makes them lead a life of hardship. All while laughing his ass off and eating his damn fruit. You know probably just to be even more of an asshole, God made the fruit taste like shit and give them both food poisoning to go along along with all that embarassed by being nude thing.

Clearly, the first event in a long, long, long line of dicking around with humanity.

The New White House

So the Obama White House apparently told CitiGroup where they could stick their 50 million dollar corporate Jet. And now the order is canceled. Nice .... very nice. Listen, I'm not a proponent of government telling people what to do, except when you ask ... no, BEG for taxpayer dollars, then use it like this, THEN I'm all for the government telling you what to do with it.

If my kid begged me for $1000 to pay his credit card bill off, then turned around and bought a $200 video game console, I'd be flat out pissed. This situation isn't much different except the dollar values are way way larger. 

So there we have it. Crisis averted. At least for a while, I still think these executives should be getting canned but what do I know. 

We're all gonna die

By we I mean all men between the ages of 20-30. According to a new study Wanking it may increase the risk of the prostate cancer. So their advice? I quote "Hold off until middle age" 

Yeah uh... well thanks for telling me NOW! I could have held off.... aw who am I kidding, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

But of course, next week they'll come out with a story about how self gratification decreases stress and provides some form of cardiac excercise and therefore is good for you. My take? Do what you gotta do, just don't get any on me.

Hot on the heels

So back in November, CitiGroup announces plans to cut 50,000 jobs.  Think about that, Fifty Fucking Thousand people kicked to the curb. So thats bad. This is after they took 20 billion dollars of US Taxpayer money. That was bad, if you guess that they spent an average of 75k per employee (salary + benefits + taxes et. al.) that would save them 3.75 billions. I can actually see that being a necesary cut, as severe as it may be. And at the time I felt bad for all those people losing their jobs but it was a product of our economy going down the shitter. 

Now? I feel even worse. These corporate assfucking monkeys have ordered a $50 million dollar corporate jet. 50 MILLION DOLLAR JET. FOR 12 PASSENGERS. I hope it flies them around in extreme comfort directly into the side of a mountain.  I'm sorry, I should watch my tone, I didn't mean to insult monkeys who like anal sex by comparing them to megacorp CEOs. 

50 million dollars is 750 jobs for a year. Sure, 750 doesn't sound like a whole hell of a lot, unless you happen to be one of those 750 that had to come home to your family and explain that you're going to have to start shopping at the thrift store for day-old bread. Those 750 that are now living off unemployment, that you and I the american taxpayer are paying. So freaking happy that the money we gave them is being used in this way. 

But hey its not all bad right? That 50 million dollars they're spending doesn't just evaporate, it employs people right? Yeah ... IN FRANCE. Didn't even have the decency to spend our tax bailout dollars on an American-built corporate luxury jet. How's that for a kick in the balls America?

This corporate crap has to stop. There has to be some accountability here. There needs to be oversight. I'm all for a free-market. What you do with your money is your business. But they did this shit with OUR MONEY.  I want accountability!

In the interest of full disclosure

So out of boredom, I took a purity test today. After my claim in the very first post of this most awesome blog that I am a good person I figured I'd put myself to the test.

In the interest of full disclosure, according to the 500 question test at puritytest.net, I am 61.2% pure.

A far cry from 99.44% pure, but then, I think if you've ever walked outside and seen a member of the opposite sex you've lost 2% of your purity. And when you're 5 years old in a bathroom going, "Hey, whats this thing, it looks funny!" thats another 2% lost.

However, 61.2% is better than half, but not better than average which claims to be 63.71% pure. So there you have it, I am a depraved, sick motherfucker. Of course, I have only ever had sex with one woman. And some of those questions are hilarious. Who does these things, have sex with a dead animal while fantasizing about your sister? Holy crap! But apparently, checking "yes" to that question will deduct the same amount of points as holding hands with someone.

Those were always fun party games anyway, purity tests. Gives out some good ideas however ...

God on Trial (Part I)

I was a Christian for over two decades. As such, I had a Christian upbringing. I went to a Christian school in fact. I studied the Bible. I prayed. I did everything I thought you were supposed to do to be a good Christian.

One thing always bugged me. Why was God such an evil asshole in the Old Testament? Consider the Evidence:

Exhibit A.

God sends the Angel of Death to come slaughter the firstborn child of a bunch of Egyptians. Some kids get spared because their parents were in the special sheep slaughtering club and painted their doorways in blood.

This is now a holiday. But I ask you, what exactly did a bunch of kids have to do with anything. They were born to the wrong parents? But who decides who gets born to what parent? Oh, right, right.

We often take stories like this for granted. Its like in the movie Clerks, yeah we all cheer when the Death Star goes kablooee but what about the innocent contractors? Yeah they were just working a job they HAD to work or the emperor would kill their families or at least they'd starve or maybe go to a worse college and end up working at the local WookieWorldMart. Point is, God put those kids in those families, then he slaughtered them like some evil bastard, and now we have a holiday about the whole mess.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I ask you, is that not a dick move?

Downward Spiral

I love stories like this one. Nothing illustrates better how asshat CEOs of megacorps are completely out of touch with reality than this. 1.2 million he spends on an office -upgrade- and I'd be willing to bet his old office wasn't milk crates and cardboard boxes either. At the same time, he signs orders on his $18,000 desk to terminate people's jobs.

This is how the downward spiral starts. People get laid off, people stop spending money. More people get laid off because people aren't spending any money. Eventually the asshat CEO who paid $1.2 million for his office renovation will get probed (and I hope there's no lube involved) because people want to know why all of the sudden everyone is out of work.

I gotta admit, it freaks me out. Right now, I have a job. But if I were terminated (What sick HR fuck thought being "terminated" was nicer than being "fired" anyway?) how bad would it suck to be out there looking for a job while there are 3 million other poor bastards in the same bad situation you are in?

What can be done? Well, CEO accountability is pretty damn high on my list. Fuckheads like "Mr. That 87 thousand dollar rug really tied the room together" up there shouldn't be living the high life while putting the screws to everyone else. To that end, I propose to do this when I'm elected to supreme being of earth: Any time a company has a mass layoff, the executive level salary is cut by the same percentage of the amount of people they're letting go. So you fire 5% of your workforce? You just took a 5% paycut. Oh and make Golden Parachutes illegal. I'm sorry, if I fail miserably at my job I expect a swift kick in the ass, not a million dollar payout.

If stockholders got smart they would kick these wasteful bastards to the curb and hire in some people that will work harder and better for less money. They are out there. Just this last week in fact Toyota stole the crown from GM for company who supplies the most autos to the entire world. The CEO of GM makes around 15 mil a year, the CEO of toyota makes around 1 mil. Not hard to see who is getting more value for their dollar.

In the Beginning

So, if you read my profile. I am an Atheist. A dirty, stinking, amoral, having sex with anything on two legs atheist. Or at least, many would have you believe that. However, I am in a monogamous relationship, have been for 11 years. In fact with the only girl I ever kissed, let alone had sex with. Actually, I think as an atheist I'm more in line with the good book than most Christians. Lets see....

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

10. Do not have any other gods before me.

Well, I don't have any gods at all, so certainly none is before any of the others. I'm totally covered here.

9. You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

I don't even watch American Idol. I've never made myself an Idol. I kinda like Billy Idol, but I don't worship him.

8. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name.

I have never tried any kind of identity theft, let alone tried to steal God's identity. Anyone who says otherwise is a god damn liar.

7. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. For six days you shall labour and do all your work. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work—you, your son or your daughter, your male or female slave, your livestock, or the alien resident in your towns.

I have never forgotten about Saturday. In fact I look forward to it. I don't know what they mean by keep it holy. Some think it means you don't work at all on Saturday. Well thats covered, you won't find me working on a Saturday. 'course, it's cause I'm lazy, but thats beside the point.

6. Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

Best way to Honor your parents in my opinion is to live a good life and be a good person. Therefore, by living a good life and being a good person, I'm honoring them. Even if I don't always return their phone calls.

5. You shall not kill

Never killed anyone. Except for about a billion people, in video games. But considering God himself supposedly killed thousands of -real- people I think I'm off the hook here.

4. You shall not commit adultery.

I have a phobia. I can't use public toilets. I cringe at the thought. A slut to me is not unlike a public toilet. You never know who has been there. -shudder- That and well, I am in a really cool relationship with an awesome woman. So yeah, I've never committed Adultery.

3. You shall not steal.

Well I gotta lose some points here. When I was a kid I stole some stuff from various stores, nothing big. A few packs of cards. Some candy. Etc. But I was 12. That was over two decades ago. Isn't there a statute of limitations on this?

2. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.

I don't know either of my neighbors well enough to bear any kind of witness against them. Though the guy across the street? Well his kids are assholes, but I've never been called to testify against them.

1. You shall not covet your neighbour’s house; you shall not covet your neighbour’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbour.

My house is nicer than any of my neighbors, so no way would I covet them. My one neighbor is an old lady and even though she might be a lesbian she'd be an old wrinkled lesbian and I'm not going there. I've briefly seen my other neighbor's wife and she's not a horse-face but not really attractive either. No one around here has had any slaves for ... oh ... a few hundred years. And oxen and donkeys are banned by our HOA.

So ... by my count, that's 9.5/10 ... I'm a bona-fide saint! Well, except for the doing a couple miracles after I'm dead thing. You'll have to wait on that.