In the Beginning

So, if you read my profile. I am an Atheist. A dirty, stinking, amoral, having sex with anything on two legs atheist. Or at least, many would have you believe that. However, I am in a monogamous relationship, have been for 11 years. In fact with the only girl I ever kissed, let alone had sex with. Actually, I think as an atheist I'm more in line with the good book than most Christians. Lets see....

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

10. Do not have any other gods before me.

Well, I don't have any gods at all, so certainly none is before any of the others. I'm totally covered here.

9. You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

I don't even watch American Idol. I've never made myself an Idol. I kinda like Billy Idol, but I don't worship him.

8. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name.

I have never tried any kind of identity theft, let alone tried to steal God's identity. Anyone who says otherwise is a god damn liar.

7. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. For six days you shall labour and do all your work. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work—you, your son or your daughter, your male or female slave, your livestock, or the alien resident in your towns.

I have never forgotten about Saturday. In fact I look forward to it. I don't know what they mean by keep it holy. Some think it means you don't work at all on Saturday. Well thats covered, you won't find me working on a Saturday. 'course, it's cause I'm lazy, but thats beside the point.

6. Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

Best way to Honor your parents in my opinion is to live a good life and be a good person. Therefore, by living a good life and being a good person, I'm honoring them. Even if I don't always return their phone calls.

5. You shall not kill

Never killed anyone. Except for about a billion people, in video games. But considering God himself supposedly killed thousands of -real- people I think I'm off the hook here.

4. You shall not commit adultery.

I have a phobia. I can't use public toilets. I cringe at the thought. A slut to me is not unlike a public toilet. You never know who has been there. -shudder- That and well, I am in a really cool relationship with an awesome woman. So yeah, I've never committed Adultery.

3. You shall not steal.

Well I gotta lose some points here. When I was a kid I stole some stuff from various stores, nothing big. A few packs of cards. Some candy. Etc. But I was 12. That was over two decades ago. Isn't there a statute of limitations on this?

2. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.

I don't know either of my neighbors well enough to bear any kind of witness against them. Though the guy across the street? Well his kids are assholes, but I've never been called to testify against them.

1. You shall not covet your neighbour’s house; you shall not covet your neighbour’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbour.

My house is nicer than any of my neighbors, so no way would I covet them. My one neighbor is an old lady and even though she might be a lesbian she'd be an old wrinkled lesbian and I'm not going there. I've briefly seen my other neighbor's wife and she's not a horse-face but not really attractive either. No one around here has had any slaves for ... oh ... a few hundred years. And oxen and donkeys are banned by our HOA.

So ... by my count, that's 9.5/10 ... I'm a bona-fide saint! Well, except for the doing a couple miracles after I'm dead thing. You'll have to wait on that.