Homeless guy sings Radiohead's "Creep"

When Jokes Aren't Funny

Jokes that are not funny:

• Race Jokes
• Sexual Orientation Jokes
• Fat Jokes
• Jokes about people who are developmentally delayed
• Jokes about people who are handicapped 
• Carrot Top 

Half of the Story

So I finished the book I was reading last night, it was the 4th in the 5 book Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy Trilogy*, "So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish", by Douglas Adams. This morning when I woke and went about my morning business I fired up my kindle for iPhone and went to the store intending to buy the 5th book to complete the Trilogy*.

The first three books I had read years ago, I had never read the fourth or fifth. I had been meaning to but never really got around to it. Have I mentioned how incredibly convenient having kindle on my iPhone is? Now, I'm never without my book, and frankly it's awesome. I don't miss print at all and if all books were published this way I'd have no problem with it at all, but I digress.

The fourth book was great. I enjoyed it quite a lot, and was eager to get to the fifth. But then as the kindle store opened up, the book had 3.5 stars out of 5. Odd, I thought to myself, as the other four books were at least 4.5 stars or higher. Intrigued by this finding, I decided to read a bit of the reviews before purchasing.   Apparently, some very disturbing things happen in the fifth and final book, and its ending is quite grim. I was frankly quite pleased with the ending of the 4th book.

So now I have a dilemma.  Do I read the fifth book and change Arthur Dent's somewhat nice ending in my mind to something else entirely? Or do I ignore the fifth book and leave him alone? Kindof like, sticking my head in the sand sort of thing, in my universe everything is pretty nice actually, why should I disturb that by letting the author control his own story to the end?

I think, for now, I'll let the characters sit in my mind, happy for a while. Maybe later I'll go back in and let the author put his final words to them, but I'm not eager to read the fifth book anymore.

* Yes, 5 books is a Trilogy, just ask any other HHGTTG fan.

Voting the Issues

Today is Election Day. Despite where you may have to go to vote, it is important to get out there and actually voice your opinion. Even if, like me, your opinion is usually in the minority, you need to have your vote recorded. Even voting for the losing candidate or issue is important.

It's also important not to compromise yourself and vote for "the lesser of two evils". Never vote against your feelings. Whichever way you lean, its important to shaping the future that you vote the way you think. Today's loss can shape tomorrow's victory. If 10% of the people vote for something it starts gaining mind share vs. no one voting for something. I also want to note that "not voting because there is nothing I want to put my name on" is a perfectly valid stance in my opinion. Like I say, never vote for the lesser of two evils. If there are only two evils to vote for, don't vote.

And never, EVER, vote without educating yourself on the candidates and issues first. 

That being said, I'm an Ohio voter. Here is where I stand on the issues on today's ballot:

Issue 1: TO AUTHORIZE THE STATE TO ISSUE BONDS TO PROVIDE COMPENSATION TO VETERANS OF THE PERSIAN GULF, AFGHANISTAN, AND IRAQ CONFLICTS

Me: AGAINST. This is 200 million dollars in debt for the state of Ohio. I do believe it is important to take care of our veterans, but this is not the State's responsibility, the state of Ohio did not authorize the use of military action on foreign soil, the federal government did. Therefore, it is a federal issue. The last thing Ohio needs right now is more debt.

Issue 2: TO CREATE THE OHIO LIVESTOCK CARE STANDARDS BOARD TO ESTABLISH AND IMPLEMENT STANDARDS OF CARE FOR LIVESTOCK AND POULTRY

Me: AGAINST. That's some tricky language. It sounds like its all for the safety of animals and helps create more humane farms. It, in fact, will do exactly the opposite. Implementing "STANDARDS" sometimes means lowering them. In this case, they want to make it legal for factory farms to pack in more livestock in smaller places. Issue 2 is opposed by The Humane Society of the United States, the Capital Area Humane Society, the Cleveland Animal Protective League, the Toledo Area Humane Society, the Ohio Farmers Union, the Ohio Environmental Stewardship Alliance, Progress Ohio, League of Women Voters of Ohio, Center for Food Safety, the Ohio Sierra Club, Ohio Ecological Food and Farming Association, the Columbus Dispatch, the Cleveland Plain Dealer, and the Dayton Daily News. Not to mention, issue 2 is an abuse of the state constitution. But the language makes it sound like its good for everyone. I sincerely hope this issue fails.

Issue 3: TO AMEND THE CONSTITUTION TO ALLOW FOR ONE CASINO EACH IN CINCINNATI, CLEVELAND, COLUMBUS, AND TOLEDO AND DISTRIBUTE TO ALL OHIO COUNTIES A TAX ON THE CASINOS

Me: FOR. Lets face it. This issue isn't perfect. It is in the gambling industries interest to pass this issue because they will make more money, and we theoretically could get a better deal if we had a smarter state government. But lets look at the facts. 1: Ohio is struggling with debt that is preventing our growth. 2: Casinos will make us money. 3: There are casinos in every surrounding state. 4: People in Ohio are already gambling on the state's stupid lottery system. There is no valid argument against this other than "I just don't like Casinos."

Those are my opinions, yours may differ and thats whats great about today. Today, we can vote and I can hope that the majority feels the same as I do, but if they don't, I at least got to voice my opinion without the fear of reprisal. That, my friends, is democracy.

An Atheist going to Church

Today, I will go to church. I am going to church because that is where my place of voting is. Now, I'm not worried that God will smite the unbeliever for stepping foot on his sacred ground. What really upsets me is that we're supposed to separate church from state, and yet here we are having an election in a church.

There is no sermon, but the feeling is there. I wonder how many people have been influenced in their voting by being forced to vote in a church? People who claim to be Christian but don't go to church very often may be influenced by stepping in the church, intending to vote on an issue one way but after being reminded by the presence of all the religious paraphernalia that they should vote the way they think "God" wants them to vote.

Not to mention, its free advertising for the Church. To me, voting is compulsory. Therefore, I am being forced by t he state to go to a church. I would love to be able to force people into my place of business, not only force them but give them the impression that I am doing a great service to the community by letting them use my building for this purpose. I know that I could vote early by mail, but often information about an issue or candidate becomes available at the last possible minute. I don't want to regret voting for something or someone if the position changes the day before the election.

It's not as if there aren't plenty of non-religious public buildings we could use for our election. I have no problem going to a school to vote, or a post office, or a fire station, even the police station. I just think Churches have no business hosting elections in a society that proclaims to have freedom of (or from) religion.

If you're a Christian who thinks I'm making a big stink about nothing, how would you feel if the state put your polling location in a strip club? Personally, I'd much rather go to a strip club than a church. I think strip clubs are more honest with people, for one. They also already have poles.

Mr. Deity tackles the Trinity

In the Comfort Zone

For some things, its too easy to stay in the middle. Its easy to try to be like everyone else. Religion is like this. To me, the easiest path is the one everyone expects you to be. If people assume you are a Christian, if you do nothing to dissuade them of this assumption, there will be no uncomfortable conversations about it.

I am guilty of not being forthright about my position as an atheist. It's not that I'm embarrassed to be an atheist. I just don't want to rock the boat. I fear reprisal. I fear hurting people that care about me. I fear creating tension in the workplace. Its just so much easier to go on letting them assume that I'm just a Christian who doesn't go to church all that often.

Many close friends know my feelings. My wife and son do. My mother and father do not. The signs are obvious, but they either do not or just will not see them. Short of me coming out and saying, "Mom and Dad, I'm an atheist." I don't think they'd believe it.

Mostly, its my Grandmother. She's in her mid 80s and it would break her heart if she thought I was an atheist. And frankly, I don't feel like rocking that boat and I'm not sure what that says about me. Am I a good grandson for lying to my grandmother about my personal faith? Or am I being a terrible misleading person?

Either way, I don't feel like I'm a 'closet atheist' as much as I feel like I'm not an 'In your face' atheist. Maybe thats why I have this blog, so I can vent my true inner feelings while smiling and nodding when someone asks me to bow my head in prayer for food.

But if anyone ever asks me point blank, I'll have to tell them the truth. It is, after all, the only thing I can really do.

FFS - Fun Friday Stuff - 10/30

 TMNEGIF  ... Thank my nonexistent god it's Friday.

Kevin from Top Chef is the man. He has a tattoo of a pig. He made Bacon Jelly. I am rooting for him to win this season, but even if he doesn't, I'm going to be making a pilgrimage to his restaurant someday. To top all that off, he has one hell of an awesome beard.

This season though is the toughest one yet in my opinion. Really any of the top 5 have a great shot. Most seasons I can predict the top 2 or 3 within the first show. This season, well, its going to be interesting when they get to the end. I imagine you could make a great dish and go home simply because your dish didn't meet the judges tastes as well as another, even though it was excellent and you didn't make a mistake.

Anyway, go Kevin!

A fun strip making fun of tv cop shows.

A church fails to predict its own fail.

Garfield minus Garfield is always fun, but this one made me laugh uncontrollably for some reason.

Arnold "Get to the Choppa!" Schwarzenegger gives a pertinent hidden message to his state legislature.

This would make a great card to send to your kids next mothers day if they forget to do anything for you. So much emotion from a faceless egg, priceless.

I really don't know how this guy manages to do this without cracking up. I've sat and tried, I can't get very far before I bust out laughing. Then I forget what the host is talking about.

Ever agree to do a favor for someone and then end up regretting you ever talked to them in the first place? Yeah ...

This just in: Fox Hates Joss Whedon ... also 4 out of 5 people make up 80% of the worlds population. While we're talking the obvious, Dollhouse is a great show, but Fox is setting it up for failure. First by putting it in a really tough time slot, then pulling it for sweeps week. It took the first episode a while to get me to like it, the first 15 minutes or so were meh, but then it got interesting. Of course, from the network that canceled Firefly, would you expect anything but dickery? But really, I don't understand why Joss works for Fox ... well, other than the paycheck thing.

Back away from the nuts, and no one gets hurt!

Holy Body Mods

  "You wanna cut off my what?! You people are crazy! You know that? Get your hands off me! I'm goin home!"

This conversation might have taken place about 30 years or so ago, had I been a very precocious child and had been able to speak at the age of .. oh .. about 30 hours. I wasn't there, well ... I was there, but I don't remember it very well, but I imagine the conversation actually went like this:

*snip*

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"*

No. I do not blame my parents. I blame a society that has told us that this is a perfectly normal and sane thing to do. We don't like to talk about it unless we have to. But too many boys are circumcised in this country because "Thats the way I am, and that's the way my boy will be!"

In other words, we're doing this stupid thing because we've ALWAYS been doing this stupid thing. Some major religions out there claim you must be in their super special mutilated genital club in order to be in good standing. I'm curious why if you believe we're created in "God's Image" that we have to alter ourselves physically to be pure. Maybe God is uncircumcised?

Some Myths:

They say it cuts down on masturbation. HAH! Ok, I've busted that myth myself a few thousand times.

They say  it cuts down on disease. You know if you wash everything is fine. If I didn't wash my buttcrack, it'd get pretty gnarley too.

They say it looks nicer that way. A lot of people also like to pierce their genitals and get jewelry because they think that looks nicer too. So should you welcome baby Bobby to the world with a nice Price Albert too?

What you do to your own body is your choice. If you want to expand your earlobes to the point that you could drive a volvo through, or if you want to drive a spike through your face, go right ahead. If you want to get a tattoo of a naked 80 year old man taking a whiz on the american flag, well, I'd ask you to sober up and reconsider, but hey, your body, your canvas.

Chopping off the tip of a helpless infant's wang who had no say in the matter?  Thats just plain wrong.

Full disclosure: I had my son circumcised. I was young and I was stupid and I believed all the lies. I have since apologized to him for this mistake, but I fear that there's no way I can really make it up to him. My only hope is that someone might read this post and reconsider. Its not something you can ever take back. I very much suggest if you are planning to do this to your own baby, look up the fantastic Penn & Teller Bullshit episode on Circumcision and watch it.

* (Translated from baby speak, this means "YOU GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE DOCTOR I'M GONNA GO CHUCK NORRIS ON YOUR ASS WHEN I GROW UP!")

Too bad they don't make exorcists of stupid

Yesterday I read this awesome story on the consumerist that stated that 69% of the people in the surveyed by rent.com are morons. Actually that's not what it said, it said only 31% of the people in the survey would willingly live in a haunted house for reduced rent. Thats 69% of the people who are too scared of ghosts to live with one of them

Thankfully, the human race isn't completely doomed and consumerists readership are only 19% morons on their own poll. I'm not sure how many of the 81% think that ghosts are real but not that bad of a roommate though.

Yesterday my kid told me that in his class he and only one other student are the only ones who claim not to believe in ghosts or so-called paranormal activity. I'm proud of my son for this, but disappointed that the other 25 or so students in his class including his teacher believes in hauntings from the grave.  Well, they are kids, some still believe in Santa Claus I suppose. But his teacher?

Halloween is good fun. Dressing up like a ghoul or zombie or whatever, thats a good time. It goes too far when you start thinking, "Hey, this could all be real. I do believe in ghosts, I do I do I do believe in ghosts!"

It gets worse when you have people making documentaries (hahaha, they call them documentaries) about Paranormal Activity and Hauntings. These shows are always the same. Funny camera work. People acting real scared. People intimating that you are the moron for not believing their bullshit.

These people are scam artists. Some say its all in good fun, some say its just ghost stories around a campfire. Well, when I write a story, my reader knows its fiction. I don't try to pretend its anything but fiction. I have written a ghost story in the past. It was fun, but it was not presented as a documentary. The people trying to scare us into thinking there's something to all this paranormal crap are no better than conmen.

Best thing I can do I guess is give my son a good hug and tell him I'm proud of him for standing up in his class and telling them he thinks Ghosts are made up.

That and well, if you're sitting on a nice house that won't sell because its haunted and you're willing to sell for bottom dollar? Give me a call...

The Swine Flu and the Hyporcisy of Employers

If you're lucky like me, you're still employed. And if you're employed, I'd be very surprised if you told me that your employer hadn't sent out some emails or put up some notices about "Not coming to work sick with the H1N1 virus".

My employer certainly has. And my friends employers as well. They seem sincere in the fact that they want us to stay home and keep this stuff as isolated as possible. After all, President Obama has signed a National Emergency Declaration on H1N1. This stuff is serious. Sadly the people at the highest risk are pregnant women and newborns.

So it seems like a great idea to tell your employees that if they are sick, stay home for the well being of us all. Thats what they are saying. Problem is, many employers have strict attendance rules in effect that aren't being changed for the pandemic flu.

My employer gives me an undefined amount of sick days. That is, if you are sick, you stay home. However, if you start racking up the sick hours you get talked to by management. Get too many sick hours, you might lose your raise or even get fired if they climb too high. Thing is, while the HR people are sending out notice after notice about how we need to stay home if we have the flu, they're not relaxing this policy at all.

This leaves me with a choice. Get in trouble with work for staying home when I'm sick, or come into work sick and get everyone else here sick so they have to deal with the same problems. For me, the flu wouldn't be the end of the world most likely. I'm a healthy guy in my mid 30s. I'd be laid up for a while I'm sure, but I wouldn't die.

What if I share an office with someone who is pregnant or has small children at home? Do I come into work sick so I don't get in trouble with my employer and risk their lives to this virus? Do I stay home and get fired and then sit on unemployment for who knows how long these days?  Thats a tough choice to make, and frankly I shouldn't have to make that kind of a choice.

Unfortunately, many people I talk to have employers who are doing this same kind of thing. Telling you to stay home if you're sick on the one hand, while handing out punishments for staying home on the other. I've talked to people in many industries, including Healthcare. You'd think a hospital would be very careful about infection control in this manner, but at some facilities the employees are suffering the same dilemma.  Come to work sick and risk people's lives, or be fired.

I am a libertarian, I believe for the most part the government should stay out of people's affairs as much as possible. But there needs to be some form of legislation preventing employers from punishing employees for staying home when they are sick with the flu, period.

God and Depression

I am not going to go on about Determinism or the Psychology of the human mind vis a vis the Chemicals that are in it, but I'm briefly going to touch on this: It is a well known fact that our brains are influenced by chemicals. People who have suffered hormonal imbalances can attest to the fact that chemicals can control your mood, your state of well being.

These hormone problems can be subtle, such as making you sad or making it harder for you to fall asleep. It can also be severe, causing things like rage, and suicide. Hormone problems can cause you to gain weight, and lose weight.

Face it, weather you like it or not, it is documented scientific fact that part of your behavior is influenced by chemicals that your body naturally produces. If these chemicals are at what is considered normal levels, then your chances of being a healthy, well-balanced individual are greatly increased.

Before I move on to the point, I want to be clear that just because you have normal hormones doesn't mean you're automatically going to be a good person. Nor do I wish to say that if you have abnormal hormones you're automatically going to do bad things.

Christians claim that God gave Humans free will, that they may love him or hate him of their own volition. Yet if you believe in "Creation", you must believe that God put chemicals in our brains that in the right conditions can strongly influence us to do things like suicide which would send us directly to Hell in the Christian context.

I know. I've had feelings like this before.

I am treated for my depression by science. The problems I had in the past have been corrected. Its scary to know that your body can influence you to do something terrible, especially as there is no reason to do so. I have a good life. There's no rational reason why I would want to end it. However, under the influence of the wrong balance of brain chemicals, all I can see is gloom, doom and despair.

Should I leave myself to solely to religion and claim that the Devil is putting these thoughts in my head? Should I pray unceasingly for God to help me with my struggles? Or should I go to a Doctor, be properly diagnosed and then treated with medicine that fixes the problem?

The real question here is this, if someone does harm to themselves or others while suffering a hormonal imbalance, does God damn them to Hell? I've had many Christians tell me that suicide is an unforgivable Sin, that anyone who commits suicide is going straight to Hell. Frankly, if that's the case, its another example of God being an immortal dick.

The Debate on Gay Marriage

I can't say it much better than he did, so I'm not even going to try.

F-R-E-E that spells FREE

Stupid Stupid Earworms. 

I like to listen to the radio, like most men in their middle age I often end up listening to sports-talk. Lately, I've been hit by a barrage of ads from the "Free Credit Report" people.

If by some major cosmic chance the person who made these ads happens to read this little blog of mine, I have some very specific instructions for you. Go outside. Find a brick, or a rock, or something very hard. Pick it up, and bash yourself in the head with it until you fall unconscious.

When this ad hits the radio I turn off the channel as fast as my fingers can hit the button. But I know, this is too late. The stupid jingle will be instantly stuck in my head by the first note. I suppose the people behind the ad regard this as success, but fortunately for me, I am too smart to fall for their pathetic ploy.  The real place to get a free credit report is "annualcreditreport.com"  ... but they don't advertise as much because instead of trying to sign you up for a whole bunch of crap you don't want and then spamming you into insanity, they just give you a credit report and then leave you alone. Thus, they have less ad revenue.

Just think about it, people who advertise non-stop that they are giving away something for free are hiding something somewhere. Sometimes I give away stuff for free. I set it outside my house with a "Please take my decrepit junk and mind the lawn." sign on it written in sharpie. I don't go on the radio with a song that will get stuck in your head and pay thousands of dollars to advertise the thing I'm giving away.

Back on point, I wish the commercials would stop. The only way for them to stop is for people to completely quit using their service, so their advertising dollars drain away. So tell all your friends to go to the real free credit report site at annualcreditreport.com and make the insanity end!!

How does this happen?

Thats worse than reversing the polarity of the neutron flow.

Destined to be screwed over by God

I love Douglas Adams. I'm rereading the HHGTTG and enjoying every minute, this morning I came across this passage toward the end of "Restaurant at the End of the Universe" and its so great, I have to share: 

"I always thought that about the Garden of Eden story," said Ford. 

"Eh?"

"Garden of Eden. Tree. Apple. That bit, remember?"

"Yes, of course I do."

 "Your God person puts an apple tree in the middle of a garden and says, do what you like guys, oh, but don't eat the apple. Surprise surprise, they eat it and he leaps out from behind a bush shouting 'Gotcha.' It wouldn't have made any difference if they hadn't eaten it."

"Why not?"

"Because if you're dealing with somebody who has the sort of mentality which likes leaving hats on the pavement with bricks under them you know perfectly well they won't give up. They'll get you in the end."

"What are you talking about?"

"Never mind, eat the fruit."

Top Eight reasons I am an Athiest

I am an atheist. I used to be a Christian. In fact, I used to go to a Christian Private School. I spent the first 25 years of my life totally committed to it. What Happened? Here are the top X reasons why I'm no longer a Christian:

#8 People who always told me "God speaks to me". God didn't speak to me. So my choices were God hated me, they were lying, or they were delusional. Also consider the problem with God proving himself, by talking to them, vs. having this _faith_ ... well... the only answer is they are lying or delusional.

#7 The stupid Noah's Ark story. The problem I have is that they hammer this story into your brain from Childhood. I remember in 7th grade I actually acted in a "Noah's Ark Musical" at the school. What they didn't talk about is "Hey, we're celebrating a story where GOD KILLS EVERYBODY BY DROWNING THEM." Except a few people God liked, if you believe the myth, he killed everyone. Lets not go into the impracticality of getting every animal or why on earth do you even need to get all the animals when you created them in the first place, couldn't you just make them again? God killed everyone because he was mad at them, and we tell this story to kids because its "cute". Which brings me to ..

#6 God being a jerk. I've posted on this before. God killed innocent people for no good reason. "How can you question the wisdom of God?". I ask you, How can you not? He killed Egyptian children, He killed Lot's wife just cause she looked back at her town while he was destroying it, He killed his own son to satisfy a condition that he himself made. Although I suppose in that last bit, since Jesus is supposed to be a part of God, its more like suicide. God is a murdering Jerk in the Bible.

#5 The Bible evolved. It changes more freuqently than people like to admit. People want to call it the perfect word "inspired by God" yet its constantly changing to fit whatever political agenda is currently in power. What I can't understand is how people who study the Bible in depth reconcile this with themselves, honestly.

#4 The entire story of Jesus. Lets be frank, a lot of Jesus' teachings are good. Telling people they ought to be nice to each other and not be so quick to judge, hey, I agree with that. I agree with a lot of what Jesus stands for. What I don't agree with is the whole story. God knocks up a virgin to give birth to his son, then later sacrifices his son so that he can forgive the inherent sins of humanity. That about sum it up? Yeah, who demanded the sacrifice? Who defines what a sin is? The thing about Jesus though is you can't help but like the guy. Thats the pitch. People were tired of this God who went around killing people because he didn't like them. Jesus now ... Jesus you can get behind.

#3 Evangalists. Wow, these guys really are slimeballs. The ones of the TV conning gullible people out of money so they can be miraculously cured. The ones who pick out people in an audience and do a few "tricks" and suddenly they walk. I wish these were made up, but I've seen it first hand. I've been the ignorant kid standing there while a preacher man stuck his hand on my forehead and tried to -heal- me. The truth? I actually thought I was healed. The reality? I was deluded. Obviously this is not a representation of all Christians, however, if God really existed, why would he allow people to continue to pervert his message for their own gain?

#2 The Pope. He's even worse. In fact, the Pope is easily one of the most evil men on the planet. From condoning child molestation to propogating dangerous and high handed political views, this Pope and all the Popes before him have done more harm than die hard Catholics are willing to admit. I was not ever a Catholic, I was a prodestant. But they claim that the Pope gets his commands directly from God, the same God that I used to worship. Well, if God really did tell the Papal office to cover up all those priests molesting children and allow them to continue doing it, then I don't want to worship that God anyway.

#1 My own Faith. This was the biggest reasaon I stopped being a Christian. I examined my own faith. Why was I a christian? I was a christian because my parents were christians, their parents were christians, as far back as we can recall. And my Bible told me those who did not worship Christ Jesus would be sent straight to Hell. Then I thought, why is my friend a Hindu? His parents were Hindu, his parents parents were Hindu, back until as far as he could remember. My Bible told me he was going to hell for the exact same reason I was going to heavan, because I followed my ancestors blindly and without question. But what if... what if I were born a Hindu? Should I go to hell just because of that? Well this line of thinking led me down a path of questions that eventually led me to the only logical conclusion: Religion is fantasy and myth.

This just in, the Catholic Church hates sex.

The Archbishop of Cincinnati is offended by the University of Cincinnati's sexploration program. This surprises exactly no one.

The Catholic church has been public enemy #1 when it comes to sex for a long time. After all, they invented the 'rhythm method' right? Telling people, yeah its OK to fuck but only when you want to have kids, but if you fuck at the right -time- the chances are less. Its like a sex loophole to them.

But teaching people about safe-sex that works, like condoms, or masturbation, thats evil in their world. They don't want anyone to have sex for fun ... except for maybe priests with altar boys ... but lets leave that for a whole other discussion.

Is the Catholic Church even relevant? I for one don't care what they think about anything. They are totally out of touch with reality. How can some guy who 'claims' to have never had sex supposed to tell the rest of us about sexuality? Thats like some vegetarian telling me which cut of steak is best (Ribeye, if you were curious).

The Catholic Church historically has done more harm than good for all of society. From plunging us into the dark ages, to the crusades, pushing their ignorance around and covering up their own sins -where applicable-.

Think I could get a new headline on that paper 'Catholicism' offends Barrel the Blogger. Nah ... I didn't think so. Oh well, at least I don't look like some creepy pedophile.

God on Trial (Part II)

Perhaps I'm jumped too far ahead in my first argument, lets go back, way back, back to the beginning.

To be fair, creating the world in 6 days was a pretty nice thing for God to do, had he left it at that, we'd not be having this conversation. But no, he had to go and commit dick move numero uno. The Fall of Man. Or the Fall of People, if you don't want to be sexist.

So God created man in his own image (which kinda raises the question, is God's penis circumcised?) and God knew your heart before you were ever born. God gave Adam free will, then he gave him a woman. But he couldn't stop there, no... he had to play a little game with them. Look, call it what you want, but putting a 'tree of knowledge' in the middle of the garden of eden and then saying, "You guys can do anything at all in this paradise! You can fuck each others brains out! You can eat anything in here, even the trippy mushrooms! Its all good!"

"BUT Don't touch my forbidden fruit. No, don't touch it, the candy coated, delicious fruit that will blow your mind, right over here. Because if you did that, I'd be MAD. The most wonderful fruit I ever made, if I say so myself, but you can't have any. But you can have everything else! So go frolick!"

Right. Thats like me setting a 6 pack of beer in a room full of teenagers. If I did that, who would they put in jail? Thats right, ME, for being the asshole who -tempted- the innocent kids into doing something they shouldn't do.

So God made us. He made us curious. He made us willful. Then he puts us in that situation knowing damn well the first thing ... well ok the second thing after they figure out sex for a while is going to be 'experimenting' with that fruit. Believe me, there didn't need to be some weird snakey guy like Michaelangelo up there drew. They would have gone there all on their own. God knew this. He had to know this, he's omniscient.

So why did he put them in that situation to begin with? So he could be a DICK. So they eat the fruit and God gets all pissed. Super pissed. Throws them out of the garden. Throws ALL OF US out of the garden even the ones that had nothing to do with it. Makes them lead a life of hardship. All while laughing his ass off and eating his damn fruit. You know probably just to be even more of an asshole, God made the fruit taste like shit and give them both food poisoning to go along along with all that embarassed by being nude thing.

Clearly, the first event in a long, long, long line of dicking around with humanity.

The New White House

So the Obama White House apparently told CitiGroup where they could stick their 50 million dollar corporate Jet. And now the order is canceled. Nice .... very nice. Listen, I'm not a proponent of government telling people what to do, except when you ask ... no, BEG for taxpayer dollars, then use it like this, THEN I'm all for the government telling you what to do with it.

If my kid begged me for $1000 to pay his credit card bill off, then turned around and bought a $200 video game console, I'd be flat out pissed. This situation isn't much different except the dollar values are way way larger. 

So there we have it. Crisis averted. At least for a while, I still think these executives should be getting canned but what do I know. 

We're all gonna die

By we I mean all men between the ages of 20-30. According to a new study Wanking it may increase the risk of the prostate cancer. So their advice? I quote "Hold off until middle age" 

Yeah uh... well thanks for telling me NOW! I could have held off.... aw who am I kidding, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

But of course, next week they'll come out with a story about how self gratification decreases stress and provides some form of cardiac excercise and therefore is good for you. My take? Do what you gotta do, just don't get any on me.

Hot on the heels

So back in November, CitiGroup announces plans to cut 50,000 jobs.  Think about that, Fifty Fucking Thousand people kicked to the curb. So thats bad. This is after they took 20 billion dollars of US Taxpayer money. That was bad, if you guess that they spent an average of 75k per employee (salary + benefits + taxes et. al.) that would save them 3.75 billions. I can actually see that being a necesary cut, as severe as it may be. And at the time I felt bad for all those people losing their jobs but it was a product of our economy going down the shitter. 

Now? I feel even worse. These corporate assfucking monkeys have ordered a $50 million dollar corporate jet. 50 MILLION DOLLAR JET. FOR 12 PASSENGERS. I hope it flies them around in extreme comfort directly into the side of a mountain.  I'm sorry, I should watch my tone, I didn't mean to insult monkeys who like anal sex by comparing them to megacorp CEOs. 

50 million dollars is 750 jobs for a year. Sure, 750 doesn't sound like a whole hell of a lot, unless you happen to be one of those 750 that had to come home to your family and explain that you're going to have to start shopping at the thrift store for day-old bread. Those 750 that are now living off unemployment, that you and I the american taxpayer are paying. So freaking happy that the money we gave them is being used in this way. 

But hey its not all bad right? That 50 million dollars they're spending doesn't just evaporate, it employs people right? Yeah ... IN FRANCE. Didn't even have the decency to spend our tax bailout dollars on an American-built corporate luxury jet. How's that for a kick in the balls America?

This corporate crap has to stop. There has to be some accountability here. There needs to be oversight. I'm all for a free-market. What you do with your money is your business. But they did this shit with OUR MONEY.  I want accountability!

In the interest of full disclosure

So out of boredom, I took a purity test today. After my claim in the very first post of this most awesome blog that I am a good person I figured I'd put myself to the test.

In the interest of full disclosure, according to the 500 question test at puritytest.net, I am 61.2% pure.

A far cry from 99.44% pure, but then, I think if you've ever walked outside and seen a member of the opposite sex you've lost 2% of your purity. And when you're 5 years old in a bathroom going, "Hey, whats this thing, it looks funny!" thats another 2% lost.

However, 61.2% is better than half, but not better than average which claims to be 63.71% pure. So there you have it, I am a depraved, sick motherfucker. Of course, I have only ever had sex with one woman. And some of those questions are hilarious. Who does these things, have sex with a dead animal while fantasizing about your sister? Holy crap! But apparently, checking "yes" to that question will deduct the same amount of points as holding hands with someone.

Those were always fun party games anyway, purity tests. Gives out some good ideas however ...

God on Trial (Part I)

I was a Christian for over two decades. As such, I had a Christian upbringing. I went to a Christian school in fact. I studied the Bible. I prayed. I did everything I thought you were supposed to do to be a good Christian.

One thing always bugged me. Why was God such an evil asshole in the Old Testament? Consider the Evidence:

Exhibit A.

God sends the Angel of Death to come slaughter the firstborn child of a bunch of Egyptians. Some kids get spared because their parents were in the special sheep slaughtering club and painted their doorways in blood.

This is now a holiday. But I ask you, what exactly did a bunch of kids have to do with anything. They were born to the wrong parents? But who decides who gets born to what parent? Oh, right, right.

We often take stories like this for granted. Its like in the movie Clerks, yeah we all cheer when the Death Star goes kablooee but what about the innocent contractors? Yeah they were just working a job they HAD to work or the emperor would kill their families or at least they'd starve or maybe go to a worse college and end up working at the local WookieWorldMart. Point is, God put those kids in those families, then he slaughtered them like some evil bastard, and now we have a holiday about the whole mess.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I ask you, is that not a dick move?

Downward Spiral

I love stories like this one. Nothing illustrates better how asshat CEOs of megacorps are completely out of touch with reality than this. 1.2 million he spends on an office -upgrade- and I'd be willing to bet his old office wasn't milk crates and cardboard boxes either. At the same time, he signs orders on his $18,000 desk to terminate people's jobs.

This is how the downward spiral starts. People get laid off, people stop spending money. More people get laid off because people aren't spending any money. Eventually the asshat CEO who paid $1.2 million for his office renovation will get probed (and I hope there's no lube involved) because people want to know why all of the sudden everyone is out of work.

I gotta admit, it freaks me out. Right now, I have a job. But if I were terminated (What sick HR fuck thought being "terminated" was nicer than being "fired" anyway?) how bad would it suck to be out there looking for a job while there are 3 million other poor bastards in the same bad situation you are in?

What can be done? Well, CEO accountability is pretty damn high on my list. Fuckheads like "Mr. That 87 thousand dollar rug really tied the room together" up there shouldn't be living the high life while putting the screws to everyone else. To that end, I propose to do this when I'm elected to supreme being of earth: Any time a company has a mass layoff, the executive level salary is cut by the same percentage of the amount of people they're letting go. So you fire 5% of your workforce? You just took a 5% paycut. Oh and make Golden Parachutes illegal. I'm sorry, if I fail miserably at my job I expect a swift kick in the ass, not a million dollar payout.

If stockholders got smart they would kick these wasteful bastards to the curb and hire in some people that will work harder and better for less money. They are out there. Just this last week in fact Toyota stole the crown from GM for company who supplies the most autos to the entire world. The CEO of GM makes around 15 mil a year, the CEO of toyota makes around 1 mil. Not hard to see who is getting more value for their dollar.

In the Beginning

So, if you read my profile. I am an Atheist. A dirty, stinking, amoral, having sex with anything on two legs atheist. Or at least, many would have you believe that. However, I am in a monogamous relationship, have been for 11 years. In fact with the only girl I ever kissed, let alone had sex with. Actually, I think as an atheist I'm more in line with the good book than most Christians. Lets see....

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

10. Do not have any other gods before me.

Well, I don't have any gods at all, so certainly none is before any of the others. I'm totally covered here.

9. You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

I don't even watch American Idol. I've never made myself an Idol. I kinda like Billy Idol, but I don't worship him.

8. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name.

I have never tried any kind of identity theft, let alone tried to steal God's identity. Anyone who says otherwise is a god damn liar.

7. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. For six days you shall labour and do all your work. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work—you, your son or your daughter, your male or female slave, your livestock, or the alien resident in your towns.

I have never forgotten about Saturday. In fact I look forward to it. I don't know what they mean by keep it holy. Some think it means you don't work at all on Saturday. Well thats covered, you won't find me working on a Saturday. 'course, it's cause I'm lazy, but thats beside the point.

6. Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

Best way to Honor your parents in my opinion is to live a good life and be a good person. Therefore, by living a good life and being a good person, I'm honoring them. Even if I don't always return their phone calls.

5. You shall not kill

Never killed anyone. Except for about a billion people, in video games. But considering God himself supposedly killed thousands of -real- people I think I'm off the hook here.

4. You shall not commit adultery.

I have a phobia. I can't use public toilets. I cringe at the thought. A slut to me is not unlike a public toilet. You never know who has been there. -shudder- That and well, I am in a really cool relationship with an awesome woman. So yeah, I've never committed Adultery.

3. You shall not steal.

Well I gotta lose some points here. When I was a kid I stole some stuff from various stores, nothing big. A few packs of cards. Some candy. Etc. But I was 12. That was over two decades ago. Isn't there a statute of limitations on this?

2. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.

I don't know either of my neighbors well enough to bear any kind of witness against them. Though the guy across the street? Well his kids are assholes, but I've never been called to testify against them.

1. You shall not covet your neighbour’s house; you shall not covet your neighbour’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbour.

My house is nicer than any of my neighbors, so no way would I covet them. My one neighbor is an old lady and even though she might be a lesbian she'd be an old wrinkled lesbian and I'm not going there. I've briefly seen my other neighbor's wife and she's not a horse-face but not really attractive either. No one around here has had any slaves for ... oh ... a few hundred years. And oxen and donkeys are banned by our HOA.

So ... by my count, that's 9.5/10 ... I'm a bona-fide saint! Well, except for the doing a couple miracles after I'm dead thing. You'll have to wait on that.